I am an adoptee.

Here, the legislation allowing for "reunion" of adoptees and birth parents is extrordinarily easy - the adoptee (if over the age of 16) may apply for their original birth certificate showing the birth mother and any named birth father. Also birth parents can apply likewise for the adoption certificate of their child, which states the adopting parents' names, etc...

I was born in 1967 - my birth mother contacted me in 2000 via a letter to my parents asking if I knew I was adopted (yes I did) and would they have any objections to her contacting me?

My parents passed the letter on to me, much discussion ensued, and I eventually let curiosity get the better of me, not to mention that I believed that the woman had some vague right to know that I had been "brought up right" and was a functioning member of society.

Now - I have never been plagued with the so common attitude displayed by many adoptees of "where did I come from?" or "who am I?" - I also have a great set of parents who love me unconditionally - as I do them.

Anyways - I talked to my birth mother on the phone a few times - we sent photos to each other - my mother also sent a collection of childhood photos of me growing up... Then my birth mother wanted a face to face meeting.

No problems said I, and we met. Of course I asked about my birth father - she said he had died in the Vietnam War (stepped on a land mine she said). So me being the inquisitive type figured that his name would be on the memorial for such victims... His name was not there, so I made a few inquiries in case his name had been missed somehow - nope - he was sent to Vietnam, he was injured, but he did not die - he's alive and well to this day with a wife and 3 children.

So - I go back to my birth mother with this information, she gets in contact with him, and he calls me on the phone saying that my birth mother had actually been at his wedding to his wife - as well as the fact that he really doesn't want any contact with me - that's fair I reckon - he has a life and doesn't need me popping up and complicating things - I have a suspicion that his family does not know about me, and I think that he has the right to privacy. (I wish I did!)

This is where the story turns into a nightmare for me - I start geting drunken calls from my birth mother bewailing that this man had died in Vietnam, blah, blah... despite the fact that she had managed to talk to him only a few weeks prior. She turns up on my doorstep drunk and keeps wailing about the fact he died. I promptly spiral into a nice little breakdown of my own...

OK - so that's my story - back to the issue at hand...

Who is to say what "rights" an adoptee or a birth parent has after the fact? I'm firmly of the opinion that the laws etc are made by people who have not been on the receiving end of a "reunion" - either good or bad. Most people have the opinion that bringing two people together is a good thing for all involved...

I'm here to say that happy reunions are not always the case - but you don't hear about the reunions gone wrong in the media - don't make for the "warm fuzzies" really... can't sell papers, magazines, etc with these kinds of "tragedies" - the general public is being led to believe that all reunions have a happy ending - WRONG!

I have just one thing to say to the agencies that assist/facilitate the reunion process - take a step back and consider ALL the possible outcomes of a reunion - not all of us receipients appreciate your "enthusiasm".

I contacted the agency that helped my birth mother find me - I was verbally given "the finger" basically - the woman told me it was my "moral obligation" to meet this person who had given birth to me!?! She was not interested in giving me any details about my birth mother, but attempted to get MY address and phone number so that my birth mother could contact me directly - I thought that was a bit rude to say the least - so much for the Salvation Army...

Right now I'm still trying to work out how to tell this woman that I don't want anything more to do with her - I hoped that not responding to the messages on my answering machine may have given her some idea - but 6 months later, she's still phoning me... but I'm basically a nice person and can't just say "piss off and get out of my life" which is actually how I feel.

What do you say to the person who gave birth to you when she feels some bond that you do not? She keeps saying that she doesn't want to take the place of my mother - what makes her think she can? She keeps saying that she loves me - she doesn't even know me...

Thanks for reading my rant...lol! I don't normally do this - but I felt strongly enough after reading your article that I just had to say something....

Tracey